TRANS-fer Error

I’ve recently decided to change my major to IT.

That way when people call me an “it”, they won’t technically be wrong.

Plus, I’m already obsessed with PC culture. Macs have no place in society.

Even  more appropriately, when I think about it, our brains are a lot like computers. I’m sure we’re all familiar with the analogy that our short term memory is like RAM and our long term memory is like our hard drive. With enough of a stretch, we can extend the analogies to explain what I mean when I say I’m trans (I don’t pretend to speak for the whole community – they can get their own blogs).

This analogy may be too binary for some readers, but let’s continue anyway.

So what do I mean when I say I feel a misalignment with my body? Well, let’s stretch our analogy to it’s furthest bounds, and consider a PC with a few incompatible parts.

So let’s say somewhere in the manufacturing process, certain cables got placed to the wrong drives or something.

Maybe the machine reads my floppy drive as having a floppy inserted but the computer reads that it’s not. So the processor goes around disk driving it up, while externally, there’s a damn floppy flopping about!

Clearly there’s a misalignment here. One that can be solved easily by simply installing the proper software. Well that’s basically where I’m at. I’m installing the proper hormones into my brain so that my “hardware” will start reflecting more with the way my processor was trying to interpret the data all along.

I don’t know it this is the best analogy out there. Listen, it’s complicated. I don’t even understand it myself! It truly does not make sense. But I’m trying to make sense of it. More so to myself than to the two people who might stumble on this.

Biologically, we’ve gathered that transgender people tend to have brain makeups more similarly related to the sex of the gender that they identify with, which in Male-to-Female transsexuals may be a result of the undermasculinization of the brain due to elongated androgen receptors compared to their cis counterparts (sources cited below).

This sounds somewhat like a syntax error, if you think about it. The elongated androgen receptor in participating MtF patients acts sort of like a string in our genetic code that’s out of place, if you will.

Unfortunately, the damage has been done. We can’t just go into our genetic code and rearrange the sequence until our system reflects what the code maybe should have been. Our brains are what neurologists call “plastic”, meaning that they physically and chemically change construction based on experiences.

I’ve already experienced the female experience. I’ve lived it my whole life. Even if I’ve only recently stopped shaming myself for it. My brain has grown and molded into the woman I am inside. And frankly, I don’t want to change that.

Hell, sometimes coders will make mistakes in their codes only to find that those mistakes are actually useful. It’s the same with any art form. Without mistakes, art would be mechanical and dull.

With that, I’ve chosen to find the beauty in my genetic errors. Rather than hide them, I’m going to do all I can to enhance my external systems in order to agree more with those beautiful errors. Maybe I’ll become some kind of happy hybrid machine.

One thing is for certain: Machines are complicated. Biology is doubly so.

Hahn, Andreas, et al. “Structural Connectivity Networks of Transgender People.” Cerebral Cortex. Oxford Journals.
Hare, Lauren, et al. “Androgen Receptor Repeat Length Polymorphism Associated with Male-to-Female Transsexualism.” Biological Psychiatry: A Journal of Psychiatric Neuroscience and Therapeutics.

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