There Are Only Two Religions (Satire)

Ya know, people talk about us LGBT folk just making up words for our various identities. But no one raises a fuss when different conservative ideologies do the same thing. I mean, isn’t modern religion basically on a spectrum?

It’d be like if I said there are only two religions: Catholic and Protestant. Everything else is just a bastardized version of one or the other invented by holier-than-thou heathens to get attention.

I really don’t get it. It’s been two denominations for the longest. Then Next thing you know there’s special snowflakes like Calvinists and Adventists being made-up. Nowadays there’s at least a hundred different denominations, even though we all know Mennonites are just a slightly less hippy version of Anabaptist.

Methodists are basically just whinier Catholics. And what the fuck are the Mormons doing? Seriously, they are trying way too hard to be special. “Look at me, I wear magic undies and am gonna get my own planet when I die!” And as if that doesn’t make them special enough, they just have to preach that Jesus was American. Jesus Christ!

Christians even have other ways of describing themselves beyond their hundreds of made-up “denominations.”

Evangelical Pentecostal…?

Young Earth Creationist Fundamentalist Southern Baptist…?

Just what the fuck is a Northern Baptist anyway!?

Some of these special snowflakes even go numbering their congregations whenever enough factions get split off from it in an area. First Baptist Church of Waco, for instance, would literally just be the first church of that made-up name to arrive to the area of Waco, for instance. And if enough people split apart from that church (over some disagreement), they have to form a “second” church of that area! It get’s so ridiculous in some places that they had to name a Tenth Presbyterian Church of Philadelphia and even a Twenty Eighth Church Of Christ Scientist of Las Angeles. Seriously, you were too damn special to get along with any of the first twenty seven!?

We get it. You all have your own very unique ideas of what God is like and what rules from the Bible he’s okay with you cherry picking around. But I’m still only considering you either a Catholic or a Protestant.

All these other protestants are just Lutherans crying for attention. And then Mormons and nondenominational, who aren’t even really either religion, apparently. Really, you felt like there were just too many different denominations, so you decided to reconcile that problem by inventing a new denomination around the idea of not being a denomination?

We have these hipster Messianic Jews, who call themselves Jewish, even though they follow Christ, which makes them at least etymologically Christian. But no, they feel a misalignment with the christian church(es), and so have to have their own little club. “Look at me, I was Christian before it was popular. Christianity just wasn’t the same after their first interpretation.”

Some people even claim to “convert” from one religion to another. But that doesn’t really make sense, because religion is deeply, fundamentally rooted in our upbringings. I’m sorry, but if you weren’t socialized as a Catholic, then you’ll never truly be a Catholic. You can’t be raised feeling reasonably good about yourself and then suddenly be as unworthy as your nearest pedophile (you probably wouldn’t have to go far, considering). There’s no way you’ll take it seriously without that kind of shame rooted deeply in your nurture.

Bottom line, quit making up stupid words to identify with. No one’s impressed that you’re an apologist evangelical young earth creationist who goes to The Forty Second Reformed United Seventh Day Adventist Church of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. If you really need that many names to identify by, you’re obviously just mentally ill.

A note to my neckbeard religion experts:

This post is completely satire. Yes, obviously since Protestantism itself was a modification of Catholicism, this analogy isn’t exactly perfect. Sure, I could’ve gone with Eastern Orthodoxy and Catholicism from the Byzantine empire as my examples, but this post is more concerned with using examples that the lay audience can resonate with, and less concerned with historical accuracy (seriously, if your takeaway from this piece is an attempt at a religion lesson, then you’re really not paying attention).